i'm reaching the point of no return soon.

i can no longer differentiate between ellen toh and seow wan jun anymore. i've become a mesh of the two. leaning more towards ellen toh. and its driving me fucking insane.

i want to be the best i can be on wednesday.

this is definitely taking a toll on our mental states. mine and tiankai's especially. fucked up i tell you.

my head's hurting so bad with all the thinking and trying to sort out. my chest is hurting from the intensity of it all.

i don't think i'll be quite the same, after this play. it hasn't ruined me per se. but it has changed me. definitely. i'm losing my zen attitude in the confusion. and i need to get that back. i can lose everything that is wan jun. but i cannot lose that zen attitude that took me so long to find. its the only bloody thing that's keeping me sane.

and i think, at the end of this. i need to flush out ellen. desperately. put alot of emotions and feelings into this box, lock it up and tuck it into the back of my heart.